[she's right... he has no grasp of how 'impossible' the task he's set out to complete is, even after ten years of trying to see it through. even if he's lost, along the way -- faltered and made mistakes, already broken that promise he made to himself and to Lilith to ensure that no one else would die if he could help it.
...comrades had fallen. people he fought beside, people he loved like family. he had never taken any of it well, always blamed himself. but it was different at home. there was that purpose, and he made a difference -- he had a job to do, people relying on him... he didn't always let them down, even if his record was far from perfect, either. sometimes, he saved them. sometimes, the ending wasn't tragic and terrible...
sometimes is all he really needs, even if he has his heart set on always. as long as there's someone by his side -- as long as there's someone left to fight for... as long as he is not useless, then... he can pick himself back up and convince himself it's worth carrying on. perhaps indefinitely.
because as long as there's the hope that there is still something he can do, he has absolutely no right to give up at all.
...the hope is dissolving. he's ineffective... he's worthless. he can't save anything or anyone. even right in arm's reach, his brother still--
...
the feeling of her hand at his cheek jars him from the downward spiral of his thoughts -- blue eyes snap up to meet hers in response. his guard, unlike hers, is completely lax. he truly couldn't care any less what were to happen to him in this miserable tunnel; perhaps it's a bad habit but it's an old one. he has little fear for the safety of his existence, though she must be in a similar vein to some degree. when nothing can kill you, or when you travel down a masochistic path toward your destination -- what happens to you along the way is truly little consequence.
but he couldn't let anything happen to her. not here... not anywhere.
she might not be able to speak, but -- the unspoken message reaches him if the slight furrow of something troubled creases his brow. not alone... no -- he isn't, and that's what terrifies him.
...he doesn't want to be. he can't watch the same fate befall her or anyone else, too. so, Ciel...
his frazzled thoughts are everywhere, jumping wildly in a disarrayed panic, but -- he's conceded defeat. he won't risk dragging her further into this tunnel, and he won't become her enemy to force her hand in letting him pass. he won't put Ciel in danger to satisfy his own masochistic desires. even Abel is not so selfish... or -- maybe it's more accurate to say that's exactly how selfish he is. he doesn't want to see her hurt, and that want will keep him from making the decision to oppose her. his eyes are still imploring...
tell him. tell him what to do, Ciel. if there's no moving down this path, then -- take him wherever it is you want him to be, but don't... don't you dare leave him now. don't let him fail you, too...]
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...comrades had fallen. people he fought beside, people he loved like family. he had never taken any of it well, always blamed himself. but it was different at home. there was that purpose, and he made a difference -- he had a job to do, people relying on him... he didn't always let them down, even if his record was far from perfect, either. sometimes, he saved them. sometimes, the ending wasn't tragic and terrible...
sometimes is all he really needs, even if he has his heart set on always. as long as there's someone by his side -- as long as there's someone left to fight for... as long as he is not useless, then... he can pick himself back up and convince himself it's worth carrying on. perhaps indefinitely.
because as long as there's the hope that there is still something he can do, he has absolutely no right to give up at all.
...the hope is dissolving. he's ineffective... he's worthless. he can't save anything or anyone. even right in arm's reach, his brother still--
...
the feeling of her hand at his cheek jars him from the downward spiral of his thoughts -- blue eyes snap up to meet hers in response. his guard, unlike hers, is completely lax. he truly couldn't care any less what were to happen to him in this miserable tunnel; perhaps it's a bad habit but it's an old one. he has little fear for the safety of his existence, though she must be in a similar vein to some degree. when nothing can kill you, or when you travel down a masochistic path toward your destination -- what happens to you along the way is truly little consequence.
but he couldn't let anything happen to her. not here... not anywhere.
she might not be able to speak, but -- the unspoken message reaches him if the slight furrow of something troubled creases his brow. not alone... no -- he isn't, and that's what terrifies him.
...he doesn't want to be. he can't watch the same fate befall her or anyone else, too. so, Ciel...
his frazzled thoughts are everywhere, jumping wildly in a disarrayed panic, but -- he's conceded defeat. he won't risk dragging her further into this tunnel, and he won't become her enemy to force her hand in letting him pass. he won't put Ciel in danger to satisfy his own masochistic desires. even Abel is not so selfish... or -- maybe it's more accurate to say that's exactly how selfish he is. he doesn't want to see her hurt, and that want will keep him from making the decision to oppose her. his eyes are still imploring...
tell him. tell him what to do, Ciel. if there's no moving down this path, then -- take him wherever it is you want him to be, but don't... don't you dare leave him now. don't let him fail you, too...]